You Don’t Get These Days Back

March is one of my favorite months, not the least of which it’smy sons birthday…My first born!

There’s something about that reality that has been sitting heavier with me lately, not in a sad way, but in a clarifying way. Time is moving. He’s growing. And whether I slow down enough to see it or not, the days are passing anyway.  When I stop to think of how fast time is passing…it is crazy.

The hardest part, If I’m being honest, living in the moment is not my strength.

My default is forward motion. What’s next? What needs to be fixed? What’s the next problem to solve, the next opportunity to chase, the next responsibility to carry? My mind is wired for pressure, progress, and protection. I feel most comfortable building, planning, executing.  But fatherhood doesn’t live in the future.  It lives in the now.

It’s in the way he laughs when something small feels big.
It’s in the daily interactions he has with his brothers.
It’s in the pride on his face when he shows me something he’s proud of.
It’s in the birthday candles that somehow seem to multiply every year.

One thing that is becoming clear, I have to work intentionally, consistently and humbly at not letting this time pass me by. Because I’m learning that it will.

Work will always demand more. There will always be another deal, another issue, another meeting that feels urgent. Stress has a way of convincing me that everything is critical and that slowing down is irresponsible.  When I think about how quickly this precious time with my boys is passing, I’m beginning to learn what’s actually irresponsible is missing the very life I’m working so hard to build.

I won’t get these days back and its incredibly sad.  Its life…but sad, nonetheless.

There will come a time when the house is quieter. When birthdays look different. When he and his brothers don’t need me in the same way. That’s the natural order of things. That’s growth. That’s healthy.

But right now?

Right now, he still looks for me as his role model.
He still wants me in the room.
He still believes I’m capable of fixing almost anything.

That window doesn’t stay open forever.

To be fair, over the last few years, life has gotten incredibly hard, BUT most importantly LIFE IS GOOD. Not perfect. Not stress-free. But good. We are blessed with opportunity, with health, with a home filled with energy and noise and possibility. And yet my biggest weakness is allowing the weight of responsibility to overshadow the gift of the present moment.

So this year, as we celebrate another birthday, I’m making a commitment, not to work less necessarily, but to be more PRESENT. To consciously let the stress dissipate when I walk through the door. To put the phone down. To listen longer. To engage deeper…To choose the moment.

One day I’ll look back on this season and realize it was the good old days.

And I don’t want to have to say, “I was there… but I wasn’t really there.”

I don’t get these days back!